Re-emerging Darkness

Before Christmas my sister told me that I was sounding a bit depressed and should talk to someone about it. I totally brushed her off. I've got it together! I'm just seeing things as they really are, that's not depression, that's reality man! (You're supposed to read that in a hippy voice.) 

It's difficult to write this post because for so long I've been speaking of my depression in the past tense, like it was something that happened so long ago that it happened to an entirely different person. But today I spent most of the day in bed and it sounds lovely to do it again tomorrow, but then I'd feel guilty. I made a lunch date so I can't do it again. 

When I came back from a short weekend getaway with my daughter and my husband for her 18th birthday (which I enjoyed so much that I feared saying how much I enjoyed it because then something would go wrong), I saw how dirty my van is and it bothered me, but not enough to do anything about it. Yet, I'll beat myself up about it while I do nothing day after day. All these warning signs: excess sleeping, guilt, apathy, unreasonable fear, the blahs- it's getting darker in here. 

This is the worst time of year for me. I wonder how much of that is self-fulfilling prophecy, how much is vitamin D deficiency, how much is stressful circumstances, and how much is a whiplash from the holidays. 

I called someone for a referral today, I hope she gets back to me because thinking about making that phone call again seems like staring down Everest. 

If you read this please don't feel the need to talk to me about it. That's so uncomfortable. It's hard, but I know it will get better and I'm getting help. And I know for some of you this is foreign and scary. Don't be scared, I don't have any automatic weapons and you should read this article: Don't Link Violence with Mental Illness. 

While we're on the subject of depression - it really bugs me how few LDS mental illness support blogs there are. That's the irony of depression though, when we need it most we are the least proactive about it. Most blogs dealing with depression fade away. I won't be able to write about this long term either, it's too painful to keep returning to it after you've moved on. And I do plan to move on, even if it isn't until the crocus emerge and the trees bud with warmer weather.